The traffic this morning on I-40 West from Raleigh to RTP, at 9:00 even, was horrendous — thanks to an accident up by the second airport exit. My 15-minute commute took 45 minutes. Ridiculous.
During this excruciating time, I passed one of those huge trucks carrying a large number of pigs. I hate, hate, hate seeing those things. I don’t want to think about where those little guys are headed, or shall I say, where they “be-heading.”
One of them had his entire snout sticking out of one of the holes in the side of the truck, and was, well, squealing like a pig. I wondered if another pig inside the truck was chewing on his hoof, or if he just knew where he was going.
What bothers me the most about the whole scene is that it reminds me that I’m the kind of person who, no matter how sad and disgusted I am at the thought of the slaughterhouse, will give up ham and bacon only when, well, excuse the poor pun, when:
Which is exactly what that poor little guy was probably trying to do.
In the cafeteria in my building today, we had these choices of lunch entrees: Roasted Pork or Chicken Breast on a Rice Medley.
Out of respect, I chose the chicken. Of course a truck full of chickens wouldn’t see it that way.
Back in my office, I spent a few moments removing discordant elements of the medley – the peas and the lima beans – before proceeding with my carnivorous activity.
Today, on the floor in the bathroom of the building in which I work, I watched a little bug crawling toward the toilet in front of which I was standing. My first inclination was to squash it. Then I thought, “Why? What’s it doing to me?”
Then, I thought, “Do those things eat bacteria or something? If I don’t kill it, is it going to wander around in here for days looking for food and die a slow, agonizing death?”
Once again, I chose that big river in Egypt, and just walked away from it all. You can really drive yourself nuts about this kind of shit if you let yourself.
I just love the writers at WOOT. If you’re not familiar with this site, they sell one item a day, period. When the quantity they have to sell is gone, that’s it. Kaput. Finis. End-of-story for the day.
Every once in a while, they sell a BOC (Bag of Crap). LOL. Below is the write-up for today’s offering. The “Attention!” and “The Holy Crap Commandments” are hysterical. I’ve colorized the things that give me a knee-slapping laugh like this:
Random Crap
$1.00
+ $5 shipping
Condition: Crappy
Product(s): 1 Random Crap
Episode VI: Return of the Puck
Are you ready? It’s that time again!
Today we whip the wootoisie into an inexplicable frenzy at the prospect of trading a few perfectly good U.S. dollars for crappy items of dubious value that are laying around our warehouse! That’s right: it’s Bag O’ Crap time.
ATTENTION! Somebody misunderstands this concept every time, so please READ THE BIG PRINT:
- WHEN YOU ORDER THIS ITEM, YOU’LL GET ONE BAG WITH (up to) THREE CRAPS IN IT.
- YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SELECTING THE QUANTITY OF THREE WHEN YOU ORDER.
- YOU WILL WASTE FREIGHT IF YOU ORDER FEWER THAN THREE.
Seriously, look: when you select the item quantity, that’s the number of crappy items we’ll put in your bag. Select “three.” You will only get one bag. Prepare to gloat in the forums later this week, when a surprisingly large number of your fellow Wooters (with poorer reading comprehension) start complaining about their two missing bags. We say again: YOU WILL ONLY GET ONE BAG.
As far as the bags themselves are concerned, you may remember previous Bees O’ Cee arriving in various and sundry bags ranging from the handy (BOC5’s nice nylon notebook bag with the metal latches) to the horrid (BOC2’s obsolete nylon Iomega zipper bag). BOC6 will be shipped in leftover bags from all our previous BOC specials, plus others from the very bottom of the bag barrel.
We’re going to be packing crap in just about all the bags we can find, be they sandwich baggies, paper sacks, colostomy bags or tanned kangaroo scrota. If it’s laying around the warehouse and it’ll hold some crap, we just might ship it to you.
THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS:
- Thou shalt not expect thy crap to be especially nice. If we were unloading a lot of really cool stuff, we’d call them “Bags O’ Really Cool Stuff,” but we don’t.
- Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours. Nobody said life was fair. Are you building your own barracks with your bare, broken hands in a remote Soviet Gulag? No, you’re dissatisfied with a purchase you freely chose to make even though it was plainly labeled “Crap.” Have some consarned perspective.
- Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap. Buyer’s remorse is just a click too far away! If you’re susceptible, maybe you should sit this woot out. It’s crap, after all.
- Thou shalt not order just one crap and blame it on our server.
- To paraphrase Stephen Stills, if you don’t get the crap you want, want the crap you get.
Today’s item quantity: 4500
I stopped at Sam’s Club on the way home, and bought about $75 worth of things for IBM’s Food Drive, for which they especially requested: canned fruit and vegetables, soup, cereal, diapers, nutrition drinks (e.g., Ensure), hygiene items, canned fish (especially tuna and salmon), canned beef stew and chili, pastas and canned sauces, rice, dried beans, and 100% juices.
For tax purposes, and your reading pleasure, here is my record of purchase and expenditure:
| Breakfast Cereal | 30 Boxes | $7.54 |
| Macaroni & Cheese | 15 Boxes | $8.38 |
| 100% Orange Juice | 24 Cans | $9.88 |
| Irish Spring Soap | 16 Bars | $5.76 |
| Sliced Peaches | 8 Cans | $7.48 |
| Green Beans | 12 Cans | $5.59 |
| Chicken Noodle Soup | 12 Cans | $5.48 |
| Tomato Soup | 12 Cans | $5.59 |
| Chicken Chunks | 5 Cans | $9.74 |
| Salmon | 6 Cans | $7.72 |
| Chunk Light Tuna | 10 Cans | $4.58 |
| $77.74 |