Gross, gross, and triple gross! Today in the cafeteria, one of the entrées was “Pot Roast Stew & Biscuits.” In the pan, the biscuits were lined up on top of the stew in such a way that every time the server scooped out a portion of the stew, he got a biscuit with it.
- Grossery Item 1: Pot Roast
- Grossery Item 2: Stew
- Grossery Item 3: That stew wetness being absorbed up into the biscuit.
Item 3 is what disgusts me the most. Wet bread is just wrong. In case you can’t surmise, I am a big fan of divider plates.
According to the obituaries, at least two openings have come up for rooms at the Springmoor Retirement Community if anyone’s on the waiting list.
The introduction of a new device in my life has caused me to have to reorganize a couple of steps in my morning ritual. Original routine:
- Turn off the alarm when it goes off.
- Use the bathroom. (‘Nuff said.)
- Turn on the hot water in the sink to let it get hot. (Takes less than a minute.)
- Rub hot water all over my face where I’m going to shave.
- Lather.
- Shave.
- Maybe once a week, the unibrow.
- The rest, every day, starting with the cheeks.
- Then the neck, first shaving downward.
- Then upward.
- About every three or four weeks, I have to pluck two blond hairs that grow in the middle of my forehead. What’s up with that?
- At about the same time, I check for any strays growing off my ears. You laugh now. You’ll get old, too.
- Take the bath mat off the shower door, and lay it on the floor.
- Put the towel, that hangs over the shower stall to dry, on the closed toilet seat.
- Get in shower and get wet all over.
- Put the shampoo in my hair, and let it set.
- Wash my body with soap.
- Rinse hair and body.
- Turn off water.
- Squeegee the shower stall.
- Left sliding glass door.
- Right sliding glass door.
- Back wall in three columns.
- Side wall in 5 columns.
- Front wall in 3 columns, but some horizontal motion to get around the soap dish, the shower head, and the faucets.
- The front half of the floor.
- The back half of the floor.
- Open the shower door only enough to reach the towel, so as to keep the heat in.
- Dry.
- Top of left arm from shoulder to wrist.
- Underside of left arm from shoulder to wrist.
- Repeat in same order on other arm.
- Chest, stomach, and “below.”
- Open the shower door about 6 inches, so I can stick my arm left arm out while I dry my back, side to side, shoulders to waist.
- Encircle the entire left leg with my towel, and wipe trunk to ankle.
- Repeat on right leg.
- The foot and between the toes on each leg.
- Rinse. Repeat. Just kidding!
- Blow-dry the hairy crevices of my body, of which there about four main ones. (‘Nuff said.)
- Put on antiperspirant, which needs to go on before I put on my shirt (which has to go on before I put gel in my hair). Note: The shirt-before-gel is only a requirement if I’m going to put on a pullover kind of shirt, but that’s about 99% of my life, so it’s the rule as opposed to the exception.
- Put on my shirt.
- Gel my hair.
- Brush my teeth.
- Brush.
- Floss.
- Mouthwash rinse.
Okay what’s the device, problem and solution? I know you’re dying to know!
- The Device: My new Sonicare Electric Tooth Brush.
- The Problem: It tends to splatter toothpaste on my shirt when I’m using it.
- The Solution: Since I have to now brush my teeth before I put on my shirt, I need to make step 21 step 19 instead.
Hey, that will have the added bonus of letting the antiperspirant dry longer before putting on my shirt.
But wait, that’s going to give my hair longer to dry, which makes putting the gel on harder. Quite the dilemma. Oh well. I can always add another step before gelling: Wet hands and rub through hair to moisten.
Whew. Glad that’s all straightened out. Aren’t you?