~Saturday~ We had planned to eat breakfast at The Maltby Cafe this morning, but had a change of plans rescheduling it for Tuesday morning. Kevin and I ate at Julia’s on Broadway instead. I had their Spicy Baja Omelet, and it was pretty damn good. Due to a calculation error, our waitress got about a 38% tip. Oh well. Hopefully we made her day.
Two things that I want to do while I’m here include seeing the public library downtown and seeing a historical cemetery, one of which we were going to do after breakfast. However, I really felt like just chilling out, so we hung out at Kevin’s place until he left between 1:30 and 2:00 to referee a soccer 90-minute game.
I took my laptop downstairs to Vivace’s, the coffee shop just under Kevin’s condos, where I worked on Friday’s blog entry, and enjoyed an Americano Espresso and a raisin and oatmeal cookie the size of my head.
Later, when Kevin returned, we walked over to The Cuff, where they were having line-dance lessons from 4:00-6:00. However, there was a sign in the middle of the stairway that led down to the dance floor area that said, “Authorized Personnel Only,” and the door down at the bottom of the door had a sign on it that said, “Closed.”
We asked the bartender if the lessons were going on and he said, “Yes, right down there,” pointing us to the off-limits-looking area. Turns out the authorized only sign was referring to an office or something to the right of it, and the closed sign evidently just meant that the door was, well, closed. Which really was pretty obvious without documenting it on the door. I’m just saying…
After all that, we entered to find four people on the dance floor taking lessons with the instructor, who was also running back and forth acting as the DJ. I was really hoping there would be some open dancing after the lesson, but there were so few people there that I just said, “Let’s go have a drink instead.”
We walked over to another neighborhood bar called, “Madison Pub,” where I had a killer (read: strong) bourbon and diet, and Kevin had a beer. I’m still trying to get past the fact that “cocktails” is spelled wrong TWICE on that homepage. But I digress…
From there, we walked over, picked up Ricardo, and the three of us walked over to The Broadway Grill for dinner. I had a most delicious Butternut Squash Ravioli.
The highlight of the day was attending Hump 5!, Seattle’s 5th annual amateur porn festival. We met Ricardo’s (and now Kevin’s) friends Jason and Pablo there, and as we waited to get in, we heard the severe warning that if anyone was caught with a cell phone out and turned on, it would be confiscated. Period. No questions asked. Their property. They are committed to keeping the films in the festival from “leaking” to the public and take that commitment very seriously.
So, the deal with Hump is that out of all that have been submitted 23 films of 3-5 minutes have been selected for screening. The audience votes on the best one in two different categories—sexiest and funniest. This event was very, very interesting. What I particularly liked about it was that there was such a diverse audience. Some films had straight sex in them and some had gay sex in them. And none of the straight people gasped about the gay sex. And none of the gay people gasped about the hetero sex. We all just got along.
One other thing, which just excited me to death, was that the emcee of the event was Dan Savage. I had no idea he lived in Seattle (though I should have by various and sundry podcasts I’ve heard by him), but I love him. He made a comment in The Stranger about each of the films, which I’ve included behind the cut. There are no pornographic pictures under the cut, so it’s safe for work from that perspective. With that said, it is a list of films shown at a porn festival!
DANCE BELT
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
No dance belts were harmed during the production of this music video—no dance belts were worn during the production of this music video. Featuring two single ladies and one single man, Dance Belt‘s absence of dance belts makes you keenly aware of the nature and purpose of dance belts. Some scenes may induce vertigo in more sensitive audience members.
CITIZEN CAME
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
Can an experienced masturbator with a full head of shaggy hair blow a record 10 loads, in 10 Portland locations, in just 24 hours? Featuring two straight boys who are young, dumb, and just as full of charisma as they are come, Citizen Came may be the feel-good hit of HUMP! 5.
FULL SWAP
United States, 2009, 2.5 minutes
The real star of this straight swinging epic is a sectional sofa that sees more action in two and a half minutes than your poor sofa will see in the next two and a half years. HUMP! audiences will thank God for slipcovers, Scotchgard, sexually adventurous married couples, and one very well-placed security camera.
BOYS BEWARE
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
A boy-in-peril epic. In the style of short films produced in the 1950s, Boys Beware demonstrates the dangers posed to young boys by predatory homosexual men. A five-year veteran of the HUMP! jury said that the rear end on the imperiled boy was perhaps the finest ass that has ever appeared in HUMP! Will that ass escape a predator—and HUMP! 5—unfucked? Don’t count on it.
READ MY LIPS
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
A submissive boy and a dominant woman explore their love for sadomasochistic sex and their love for classic sadomasochistic literature. In a HUMP! first, a book is used as an impact toy—and a come rag.
I’M HARD
United States, 2009, 1.5 minutes
Is there a rapper out there who’s a bigger dick than Kanye West? Yes, there is…
THE GOOD BOOK
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
Featuring the low production values (um, those aren’t Mormon undergarments) and questionable artistic choices (um, Catholic priests don’t have Mohawks) that characterize the finest American porn, this short religious-themed film features the kind of sex that best characterizes HUMP!: It’s hot, and it’s passionate, and its stars are really, really into each other.
HOW TO PLEASE YOUR MAN
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
Larry King. Oral sex. Larry King and oral sex. You have been warned.
BEYOND GAY
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
A hard-up lesbian and a frustrated gay man reach across—and under—a sexual and cultural divide that many thought couldn’t be bridged. It’s a Humpfest first. Excuse me, it’s a HUMP! first.
INCUBUS
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
One member of the HUMP! jury couldn’t relax enough to enjoy this submission. “That girl is going to get a really bad UTI,” this juror observed. “She needs to wash her hands before she does that. Yeah, hot and all, but look at her fingernails. UTIs suck. I hope they served her cranberry juice between takes.”
DUMPSTER HUMPSTER
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
A hungry, broke, and insanely hot Seattle boy finds sustenance—and a secret sexual subculture—in a spacious Dumpster behind a Dick’s. Pretty soon this broke boy is literally rolling in dough.
SEX MOVES 102
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
A straight couple and a gay couple learn some new moves. You’ll believe a man can fly and a woman can pie.
VIOLET UPRISING
United States, 2009, 3 minutes
A lesbian-puppet-sex extravaganza with a surprising—and surprisingly creepy—twist.
MAXIMUM OVERLOAD
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
An alternate-reality computer game, a pair of goggles, and a powerful computer provide a mop-topped Seattle boy with a once-in-a-lifetime sexual experience. Not just Tron for a new generation of sexual perverts, Maximum Overload has an important message for all masturbators: If you don’t live alone, lock your bedroom door.
TROLLEY TRYST
United States, 2009, 2 minutes
Sluts ride the SLUT.
GUESS WHO’S CUMMING TO DINNER
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
This film marks the return of a beloved porn archetype: the horny delivery boy. A man is preparing a surprise dinner for his absent boyfriend when a horny delivery boy arrives. More than one package gets opened before the absent boyfriend returns and discovers that there’s more going on under that granite countertop than there is on top of it.
THE PASSWORD
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
There are films that send half the HUMP! jury running from the room as the other half dives behind the couch. This is one of those films. We said we wanted to see some male submission and female dominance this year, and holy Christ on a bondage board, does The Password ever deliver. We would say this isn’t your father’s S&M short, but… um… that might be your dad.
THE MODERN HOUSEWIFE
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
If HUMP! gave a prize for hair and makeup, this 1950s lesbian sex romp would walk away with it. There isn’t a hair—or a tongue—out of place in this short instructional film that shows the modern housewife everything she can do with a box of Saran Wrap.
I WENT TO A PARTY AND HAD A DREAM
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
You’ll never fall asleep on a couch at a party again.
OUR RUINOUS LOVE
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
Like I said, there are films that send half the HUMP! jury running from the room as the other half dives behind the couch. This is another one of those films. A man and a woman explore all the various ways a female sub can show her devotion to her male dominant, along with all the various BDSM toys and kitchen implements that can be pressed into service—and pressed into orifices—to demonstrate that devotion. And, um, is that a traffic cone?
FUCK
United States, 2009, 5 minutes
A porny homage to Crank: A Mexican drug lord in a bad wig poisons the penises of two L.A. police detectives. If they lose their erections, the detectives lose their lives. It’s a race against time, orgasms, and turnoffs as the afflicted officers search desperately for a cure.
CYCLUST
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
A lesbian love-and-lust story told in still images. “Best lesbian sex scene in HUMP! ever,” said one jury member. “Totally sweet and really hot—proves that you don’t need a dude, a strap-on, or a traffic cone to make hot lesbian porn.”
ET2: DARK TERRITORY
United States, 2009, 4 minutes
E.T. comes back to visit Elliott—but Elliott has changed. And so has E.T.
The three dancers featured in the first film, Dance Belt, two women and one man, danced naked of course, to All the Single Ladies. Very entertaining. The girls, “down there,” reminded me of that NSFW Wikipedia entry on bikini waxing.
Ironically two of the films I found the most erotic were hetero-erotic: Citizen Came and Trolly Tryst. With that said, however, it was not the kind of venue that was conducive to a blood rush to your head, if you know what I mean. The lead guy in Citizen Came had such a beautiful “personality” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Let’s just say that if he were in a club, he might easily have won the “Best Member” award.
The two funniest films to me were the How to Please Your Man one (the girl giving a BJ on the Larry King Live show), and Beyond Gay (the one about the “hard-up lesbian and the frustrated gay man”). Unique to Beyond Gay was that it actually didn’t show any nudity at all. Most of the “action” took place under the covers in a bed, but it was just hysterical to me.
We had parked way up on Queen Anne hill, and Ricardo directed us up just a little further after the festival, where we pulled up on to an absolutely breathtaking view of Seattle at night. We hope to return there to take pictures another evening before I leave.
After that we stopped at Dilettante, a chocolate bar on Broadway, where we each had a cup of hot chocolate. I had white hot chocolate, and it was delicious.
We ordered it to go, and the young lady taking our order (and working the cash register) had this kind of collar to her black outfit, and I leaned over to Kevin and Ricardo and said, “I’m thinking about everybody in terms of starring in amateur porn now, and she looks like she could star in one as a dominatrix.”
Not two minutes later, she came over to us to apologize for how long it was taking by saying, “It should be up soon, guys. I’m trying to whip them into shape back there.” Too funny.
Kevin and Ricardo dropped me off at The Cuff and they called it a night. I stayed for about an hour-and-a-half and just people-watched.
On the way home, a girl stopped me to tell me that she was trying to kill some time while working off her buzz before driving back to Tacoma, and wanted to know if there were any clubs close by. I was a little nonplussed about the notion of wearing off one’s buzz at a bar, but I just went with it.
Assuming she was straight, I explained to her that I’d been to a gay bar, but that there were a bunch of straight women in it. Before deciding to go with that recommendation, she asked me about where something else was and I said, “Actually I’m visiting here from North Carolina and I’ve told you pretty much all I know.”
A full, second day in Seattle. Life is good.